Doldrums

I don't know if I'm just not as strong as I used to be, or what.
I just know that I can't do this anymore. Not like I used to.

For the last 8 or 9 years, I've been able to keep my composure,
keep enough strength up for me and the rest of my family. I
could do anything that was needed, and be unaffected by it,
emotionally.

Not anymore.

I just don't know if I can sit here for the next 2.5 days
and see my mom in this condition. I know why my sister
and brother have chosen to kind of, in their own way,
NOT deal with it. You know--like they don't really seem
(on the outside) affected by the whole thing. I just can't
do that. I can't keep it in and not express the things I'm
feeling. I just want to cry, but I can't. I won't let myself
do it in the house.

Today I went to the gym for my usual 8 mile run. I
was okay most of the time; it gave me my usual release.
When I had about 5 minutes left, though, I just couldn't
do it anymore. I knew I was about to have to go home
and see my mom again, in the state she is in, and I was
dreading it big time. So I cried the last 5 minutes
of my run.

When I came home, though, she had actually been sleeping
for about 2 hours. She did really well for the rest of the
day, and into the evening. I cooked dinner and did some
laundry, after doing a butt load of laundry and cleaning
yesterday, also.

Around an hour ago, though, she asked me
to give her her pain pills. That's a good thing. She needs
them to feel less pain. Trouble is, the pills make it to
where she is incoherent, for the most part, when she
takes them. I know now what a heroine addict must
look like after shooting up. I mean, I guess.

So, sorry if this is depressing. I need to get it out, though.
I'm all alone here. My dad is here, but he is used to it. My
sister and brother are not here, and Phillip could not come
because of work and school, which I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.
I just don't get to say all this to him right now, and sometimes
I just like writing it better anyway.