Over.

Just an update on our mom:

We lost her as of Friday, September 28, 2007, 8:20 pm.

More later.

Quick Mom Update.

Another quick update on my mom--

I talked to her last night, and apparently she has now acquired
a "lift" chair--to make it easier for her to get up and around, and to help
keep her feet elevated--and she has a "portable potty" thing that she
keeps near her so that she doesn't have to go as far to get to the restroom.

She also told me that she has taken to permanently sleeping in the lift chair,
rather than in her bed, just to make it easier on her legs. She said my dad,
therefore, has taken to sleeping in the living room as well, as he doesn't
want to leave her.

Along with not wanting to leave her at night, he doesn't want to leave her
during the day. Rather than have hospice people stay there all day, he is
starting to circulate a calendar around the family, so that she can have
constant watch without being uncomfortable or bothered.

I wish I could be there. I told her I would be there this weekend if she wants
me to come, just to place some ease on some of the people who have been
staying with her these last couple weeks. She said that I should wait, and that
I should just come back in a couple of weeks, and not to worry.

Ha! Haha! HA!

Yeah. That's funny.

New York, again?

Okay, so last night I found out that I'm not only qualified for the Boston Marathon.
I was looking at the qualifications for the New York Marathon, and I qualify there
as well!!!

ARE YOU SERIOUS!?

That's not even the greatest part. The best part is that I did it by a mere 20 SECONDS.

JEEZ. Talk about a great day. I'm still not even sure it was me running that marathon
yesterday. I keep telling Phillip that.

Thought there are some of you that might like to see the online version of what is
really cool coverage that is NOT, for once, the damn Cornhuskers.

Check this out:
Omaha World-Herald

Officially Boston-bound, April 21, 2008.

Okay, sorry it took so long--

The race began at 7:00 am, but my race with time started at 7:00 pm last night. I knew I had to go to bed, but I was absolutely NOT tired. My husband and I played a game of cards, and then we finally got into bed about 10:00 pm. I couldn't fall asleep, of course, and I think I finally got to sleep around 11:30. Unfortunately, I woke up around 3:30 to use the bathroom and COULD NOT go back to sleep.

Ah, well. My plan was to get up at 4:00 am, so I just lay in bed for a while longer
and got up when my alarm went off. The pre-race morning stuff went really well—
the preparing of my race bib to my shirt, the chip to shoe thing, the drinking of water for a couple hours, the whole bathroom bit —I had a really good start, so I knew it was going to be a good day. I was fully prepared by 5:30 am, and I was super, super
nervous.

At 6:00 am on the dot, we were on the road to the race. We arrived at about 6:40 or so,
and there were massive lines to the restroom. I HAD to go, or I wouldn't have made it
in the race further than a mile. I just had to pee, but it was enough to make it
uncomfortable. I stood in line and finally got in, with only 5 minutes left to race time.
Luckily, the lineup was steps away. I felt good, really good.

I found a place up towards the front of the pack, and I looked for the 3:30 pacer.
Couldn't find him. Oh well. Nothing I can do but just get ready to go. When the gun sounded, I was off. I knew I had to keep it slow; this wasn't a race against anyone.
It was a race against time. I kept that in mind as many, many people passed me—
they were all running the 10K and the Half, I told myself. They NEEDED to run
pretty quickly. I just told myself to keep running until I reached 1 mile, and then
I could see if I needed to slow down or speed up. I would be at a point where I
could easily speed it up or slow it down.

Mile 1 – 7:43:07

I had already decided I was going to keep track of every single mile, just to
see how I paced myself, overall. I knew this time was a little fast, but I was
feeling alright, and I knew there were hills coming up that would make up
that time. I just decided to keep going at that pace, because it felt completely
comfortable.

I'll cut it short here and just say that the next 7 miles were just too easy.
I can't even tell you how remarkable I felt. I started running with an older
guy around mile 4, only because I wasn't sure I was running the right way and
I wanted to ask him which race he was running. Found out he was running
the Half, so I was indeed going the right way. I was just afraid I had picked
up the path of the 10K-ers. I did NOT want to accidentally do that. Talk about
disappointment. I continued running with this guy, telling him about my running
past and whatnot, until about mile 8. He faded back and I kept going. It was here
that the first of the hills started. There were two hills here, between miles 8 and 10,
and though they looked difficult from the bus tour yesterday, they were actually
easy as crap.

It was at around mile 11 that there was a MASSIVE hill. I knew about it; I had
seen it on the bus tour yesterday. I also noticed, at this point, that there was a cyclist
coming at me. He went behind me and turned around again to talk to me.
He said to me, casually, "Hi, how are you?" I was like, "Um, fine, how are you?"
Turns out he was there to tell me that I was in third place. I couldn't even imagine
what he was saying! WHAT? How could that be? I said, "Are you sure?" He said,
"Yes, the other two are about 2 minutes ahead of you, and I just wanted to let you know."
I told him that that was fine, that I was only there to qualify, and that those women
could just go on being 1st and 2nd place.

That was only the beginning of our friendship. He ended up staying with me
the entire marathon, and it was helpful, at times. I told him a lot more about
my training along the way, and that this was my first marathon. Of course,
anyone who has run a marathon probably knows that these cyclists are there
with the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place participants. I didn't know that until the end.

Around mile 13 the cyclist from the 2nd place girl came back and told me
and my cyclist that the 2nd place girl had gone ahead to finish. You are not
going to believe this—she was supposed to be doing the Half and got off
on the wrong path! She ran 5 miles out of the way!! So that immediately
shoved me into 2nd place. It was too surreal. I can't even tell you how I
felt. I felt lucky, that's what I felt.

I'm going to kind of cut this part short, because for the remainder of the
race, I just ran. I mean, I felt freaking awesome, and when mile 16 came
along, I still felt like a million bucks. I couldn't believe it, actually. I thought
for sure that after mile 15 or so, I'd start to feel it. NOPE. I actually ended up
passing the first place girl between mile 18 and mile 19, as she stopped to
get stuff at the aid station. I never stopped, never. I just grabbed and ran.
When she stopped it put me in 1st, and she never caught back up to me.

I felt fine, for the most part, until around mile 24. At 24 I started feeling
the run. It hurt in my hips, more than anything. But it wasn't bad enough
to be concerned. I never thought I wasn't going to finish. I got about
halfway through and I told my cyclist, "Man, I'm looking forward to that
25 mile marker." He said it was coming up in about a quarter mile.

From there on out it was just a blur. I remember running that last mile, and the
cyclist telling me, "You can smile now. You did it. You finished in your
time, AND you're first." At mile 26, there was a downhill slope to the band,
the finish, and the end. He said, "Here you go. Live it up, throw your hands
up, and smile when you go through that tape. You deserve it."

So I did. They announced my name when I ran through, said it was my
first marathon, and it felt FREAKING AMAZING. I will NEVER forget it,
nor my husband, who took care of me at the end. He gave me a lawn chair
that we had brought, which I desperately needed, and water. There were
TONS of people congratulating me, talking to me, looking at me, all at once.
The news stations got my picture, there was a guy there immediately from
the Omaha World-Herald newspaper to talk to me about my run, how the
race fared, how I trained, etc. I felt like a celebrity.

I ended up getting a medal for finishing, a plaque from the RRCA,
(the Road Runners Club of America), saying that I was the 2007 Omaha
Marathon Female Open Champion, and a framed picture of some
Polar Bears? with a value of $700. We left right after receiving the
prizes, as I was exhausted, in need of a shower, and it was nearing
12:30 pm.

So, that's it. OH. I guess you all might like to see the splits for every
mile. Or maybe not. Either way, here they are:

1 – 7:43:07
2 – 7:46:23
3 – 7:30:00
4 – 7:31:93
5 – 7:28:43
6 – 7:49:93
7 – 8:00:57
8 – 8:10:19
9 – 7:40:71
10 – 7:49:34
11 – 7:56:11
12 – 7:48:14
13 – 7:24:30
14 – 7:47:54
15 – 7:34:08
16 – 7:38:42
17 – 7:33:84
18 – 7:36:03
19 – 7:31:00
20 – 7:31:19
21 – 7:16:81
22 – 7:38:01
23 – 7:47:62
24 – 7:56:21
25 – 8:12:04
26 – 8:17:59
.2 – 1:41:00

Time: 3:22:40 That's right, I qualified for Boston, baby!!! (Qualifying time was 3:40:00)
OA Woman Winner
22nd out of 446 people

The Short Story

The short story is this:

I had a freaking PHENOMENAL race, and I finished 22nd out of 390
participants!!!

Oh yeah--I also was the first woman to come in!!!
I was like, ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Talk about unexpected!!! And, on top of that, I
finished in 3 hours, 22 minutes, and 40 seconds.

I QUALIFIED FOR THE BOSTON MARATHON!!
(my qualifying time was 3 hours and 40 minutes)

I'll post more later tonight, like pictures, maybe
a video or two. But here's a little taste, since my
friend Susan was impatiently waiting... ;)

Nothing

Well, here goes nothing.

Marathon News/Mom News

AAACCCCKKKK!!!! Less than 12 hours until my first marathon happens...I am
a huge bundle of nerves. I went to pick up my race packet today, which
includes my race number and other goodies. Also took a tour of the marathon
route--can I just say: might be kind of hard, from the looks of mile 9 through
mile 13. Through those 4 miles there are some hills, and pretty tough ones at that.

So, we'll see tomorrow. My time to go for is 3 hours and 40 minutes. I have
to finish in that time to qualify for the Boston Marathon. I will do it, or in my
mind, I won't have done my best. I am a stickler that way, "anal" for those
of you out there who know what that is like. ..

I'll come back here and let you know what happens, of course. The race starts
at 7:00 am tomorrow morning, and I should be finished by 10:40, if all goes
as planned. If you remember, I tried to run a marathon in Dallas back on
April 1st, 2007. It didn't happen because there were traffic problems and
I missed the start of the race. This time IT WILL HAPPEN dammit.

------------------------------------------

In other news, I talked to my mom today. As of this morning, she is being put
on Lasix, a diauretic that is used to decrease swelling. When I talked to her, she
told me that the swelling is no longer just in her calves and feet, but has gone
all the way up to her hips. She has to take the Lasix to help relieve the fluid
so that she can walk around and move comfortably. The only problem is the
Lasix is a diauretic, meaning she will be using the bathroom quite a bit. Because
of this, the in-home hospice nurses were also going to be instilling a permanent
catheter.

I left only 4 days ago, and things have already progressed this much. I don't
know how to deal with it at this point, and from here in Omaha. I just want
to be there with her, I want to help both her and my dad. I just want to relieve
some of the pressure from my dad, and ease his pain. I know he has to be dying
a little inside every time something new happens. I know I am.

My only positive thought at this point is that I am doing this marathon for
my mom, which she knows. Before I left Amarillo I told her that I was going
to do this for her--I started running the first time she found out she had
cancer, and I'm still running for her.

This one is for her.

Borrowed Time

So since I arrived in Amarillo Friday, September 14, a multitude of events have happened.
I wanted to tell my friends, that way I could feel some relief from the
pressure I feel on my chest and shoulders. And because I know my brother
reads these blogs occasionally.

When I arrived Friday at 12:30, my mom had just driven back from Nazareth.
She had been staying with my grandparents for a few days. The fact that she
could drive herself home is a good thing; Labor Day weekend she was there
and my grandma had to bring her back to Amarillo. At that time she had
started to have swelling in her legs and feet, and she was having a hard
time doing any sort of walking. She said her legs feel like they weigh 30
pounds each when they are at their most swollen.

She and my dad had gone to the doctor the day after Labor Day, September 4th,
and asked them what the deal was and what was causing the swelling. The short
story is this:

The tumor in her lungs have grown quite a bit and are blocking a lot of her airway.
Also, the protein in her body is not being broken down the way it should be, and that
is what is causing her feet and legs to swell. She has to keep her feet elevated
at any point when she is sitting down, and because of the blockage in her airway,
she has a hard time breathing--so she has stopped sleeping in her bed. Because
she is scared she'll stop breathing when she's asleep, she has started sleeping
in a reclined position on the couch with her feet up. And since I've been here,
she won't sleep in the living room without someone in the room. So my dad and
I have taken turns with her. I stay up until 1:00 or 2:00 am, my usual, and then I go
and get him and he goes into the living room to sleep in the recliner. Last night
we did this and it worked out really well. She went to sleep around midnight, and she
slept for 6 hours, until my dad got up to go to work. That's the first time she's slept
that long at night in two weeks, my dad said.

Anyway, so today was the first day I was here all day with her by myself. My dad
was at work, and planned to come home at 3:00 pm to meet with a lady from
in-home hospice and see what they need to do for my mom (the doctor suggested
it when they went to see him on September 4th).

All day my mom was uncomfortable. She couldn't breathe very well, and around 2:00
she was extremely exhausted. She wanted to sleep, but any way she would sit or lay
she couldn't breathe. So I tried to comfort her by sitting beside her and letting her lean
against me. It was the only way she could breathe. She said something that really
surprised me--she said she thought she was going to have to have oxygen to help her
breathe. She said she hated to admit it, but that is what she thought it would take.
The position we were sitting in helped because after 30 minutes she was deep asleep.

My dad came home around 3:00, and the hospice lady came and talked to us. She
told us everything they offer, and I think my parents are going to do it. More about
that later. But the lady did say that she thought we should go ahead and order some
oxygen from the home health care place here, and now. My dad called them and
ordered it, and now my mom is breathing well on an oxygen tank. She will probably
use it all the time; she seems more at ease.

I leave tomorrow. I don't want to, but I don't know if I can do this anymore this
week. Next week should be better. I plan to come back around September 27th or
so, unless there's no need for it. I just want to be here as much as I can, considering
how rapidly she's deteriorated JUST IN THE LAST 3 DAYS.

I found out something last night from my aunt. I went to talk to her because I just
couldn't take it anymore, and needed to vent and cry for a good 2 hours. She helped
a lot, more than I thought she would, and she told me something my parents neglected
to mention to me, probably because they are trying to protect me. I was floored.

The doctors gave my mom 2 months to live.

Doldrums

I don't know if I'm just not as strong as I used to be, or what.
I just know that I can't do this anymore. Not like I used to.

For the last 8 or 9 years, I've been able to keep my composure,
keep enough strength up for me and the rest of my family. I
could do anything that was needed, and be unaffected by it,
emotionally.

Not anymore.

I just don't know if I can sit here for the next 2.5 days
and see my mom in this condition. I know why my sister
and brother have chosen to kind of, in their own way,
NOT deal with it. You know--like they don't really seem
(on the outside) affected by the whole thing. I just can't
do that. I can't keep it in and not express the things I'm
feeling. I just want to cry, but I can't. I won't let myself
do it in the house.

Today I went to the gym for my usual 8 mile run. I
was okay most of the time; it gave me my usual release.
When I had about 5 minutes left, though, I just couldn't
do it anymore. I knew I was about to have to go home
and see my mom again, in the state she is in, and I was
dreading it big time. So I cried the last 5 minutes
of my run.

When I came home, though, she had actually been sleeping
for about 2 hours. She did really well for the rest of the
day, and into the evening. I cooked dinner and did some
laundry, after doing a butt load of laundry and cleaning
yesterday, also.

Around an hour ago, though, she asked me
to give her her pain pills. That's a good thing. She needs
them to feel less pain. Trouble is, the pills make it to
where she is incoherent, for the most part, when she
takes them. I know now what a heroine addict must
look like after shooting up. I mean, I guess.

So, sorry if this is depressing. I need to get it out, though.
I'm all alone here. My dad is here, but he is used to it. My
sister and brother are not here, and Phillip could not come
because of work and school, which I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.
I just don't get to say all this to him right now, and sometimes
I just like writing it better anyway.

Recall

This blog is for no one in particular. I just need to get this stuff out
and keep a record of it somewhere, and I figured people who don't
know the entire story might be spared me having
to tell it later.

Think about all the people in the world, every single person who has
or might have cancer, and all the different types of cancers there
are out there.

Now imagine that, out of the millions of types of cancers that are
out there, there is one category of cancers called sarcoma,
which is a set of cancers that consists of 7 types within.

I guess you could compare it to one company out of the millions
of companies in the world, and this one company has 7 employees.
Or something.

These 7 types of sarcomas all have a certain characteristic
in people they cling to, such as:

one type pops up only in kids,
one pops up only within the fat cells,
one pops up only in the bones,
one pops up only in the soft tissues, etc.

You get the point. There are only 7, so these sarcomas are very rare.

Now imagine that one of the 7 sarcomas, the one that pops up in the
soft tissues, is divided into its own set of categories, around
15 of them. These 15 categories make up only 7% of the entire
world of cancers. Among these 15 categories there is one that is
only common in 1% of the 7%. It is known as leiomyosarcoma.
And only 4 out of every million people acquires it.

My mother has had leiomysarcoma for the past 9 years. Her
first tumor popped up when I was only 20, my sister was 16,
and my brother was 11. This one was on her
vena cava vein, the one that goes through your entire body
and delivers all its nutrients to the appropriate places, including
the stomach. Part of this vein in her stomach had the tumor
on it and had to be removed and replaced with a piece of artificial
vein, along with one of her kidneys removed.

The next year she had a tumor on her left arm, the entire humerus
bone, to be exact. She and my dad spent Halloween through the
first week in December at MD Anderson in Houston getting it
removed and a steel rod put in its place. My siblings and I had
to join them in her hospital room for Thanksgiving that year.
I hate doctors. She almost died.

The next year the doctors found nothing, luckily, but the year
after that they found spots on her lungs. Like, 13 spots. From
the very beginning, the doctors only expected her to live, at the
most, 5 years. But, she is strong, and for the spots on her
lungs she decided to go with chemo. Again, she almost died
because of the effect the chemo had on her.

So the spots went away, and we thought all was well. Until
2 years ago. She started to have a nagging pain in her tail bone.
She went to the doctor and found out, sure enough, it was the
same cancer, back on her sacrum (tail bone) this time. She
had to quit her job, because she could no longer sit without
pain, and eventually she had to start wearing pain patches
that she changes out every 3 days. They emit a constant
stream of morphine throughout her body. Also, she has
pain pills, which she tries not to take much of, because she
doesn't want to become addicted. She has lost all use of her
1/2 functionality, mostly because the tumor is so large, and
it sits right on her sciatic nerve. So she has to use a daily little
catheter the size of a straw, and do enemas to go. Sorry if this
is grossing you out.

Well, last year the doctors informed us that the cancer had
spread throughout her body, including into her intestines, her
lungs (again), her stomach (again), and onto her rib cage on
both sides. She has gone from being a healthy 138
pound woman to now, I'm not really sure because she won't
tell me, around 80 pounds. She is able to get around, but she
doesn't do much in a given day. She mostly does laundry for
my dad, and cooks occasionally.

Since we have moved to Omaha, my parents don't call much.
It's natural, it's happened before when I moved away. I got a
call from my dad last night, who doesn't typically call me out
of the blue, and he told me that she is not doing well.

Now, it has to be pretty bad because, for one thing, he said
it is and he never admits things like that, and for another
he said that the cancer has really "taken a toll on her."
And he said that part 3 times. So, needless to say,
I'm going to Amarillo as much as I can between now and
the end of time.


Sorry if this was too long. It helped to get it out, actually.

Home.

Okay, so it looks like I will be traveling back to Amarillo this weekend.
Friday through Tuesday, to be exact. It's last minute, but it has to do
with my mom's health. For those of you who know about my mom's
condition, she's not doing well at all. One reason I know this is because
my dad called me last night and told me that the cancer is really taking
a toll on her.

He told me that 3 times on the phone, and he sounded as though he might
cry.

My dad doesn't ever call me, and I've never seen him cry.

So I'll be in Amarillo this weekend. I hope to see some of you, but if not,
I'll probably be back sometime in October for the same reason.

Good day.

Results of the Go Girl Run! 5k

1/145!

I did it! The Go Girl Run! all girl 5K took place (lucky for me) on the same trail as the 10K I ran a couple of weeks ago. It was an out and back running and biking trail--Keystone Trail. When I started out, there were about 8 girls around me--some part of Team Nebraska, an organization of runners who all ran XC or something in high school or college, and I think they had all run this race last year. The winner from last year was in the front of the pack, showing off her race bib (1), clearly confident she was going to win again.

When they sounded the gun, all 8 of us began running together, with others close behind--you know the drill. After probably half a mile, I
passed 5 of the women around me, and I was in 3rd place...not good
enough! But I decided to stick it out in that position for a while,
because if I had moved ahead at this point, it's never happened
before, but I have a feeling I would have fallen back at the end from exhaustion...

I stayed probably 15 feet behind these two girls most of the rest of the
way to the turnaround, and by the time we reached that point, we were
all turning around in single file. I knew that I had to do something right
there; I had to begin to think about passing at least the next girl in front
of me. At probably a mile and three quarters I sailed past the second girl,
trying to put some distance between us. It wasn't hard; she fell back a bit.

I knew I had to pass the girl in front of me--guess who it was?
That's right, the winner from last year. I was going to go ahead and
pick up the pace, but I decided not to because all the other runners
were going by on our left, congratulating us, and the path was too
crowded at this point to pass. Plus I wanted to save that energy
until I needed it. I wasn't going to let her catch back up to me at the
end because I was worn out.

When there was a free space, probably around mile 2, I went ahead
and passed her. She stayed behind me 10 feet or so, and I wondered
if I had made a mistake. She kept falling back a bit and never caught
up to me, though, and when I reached the last .10 of a mile, I knew
there was no one behind me near. I couldn't hear footsteps.
But there was someone close by, as I could hear the people congratulating someone behind me a little ways. I ran in hard the
rest of the way—I wasn't going to let ANYONE catch me. I ran in
and everyone was so excited. There was a guy in a tux at the end
who gave me a bouquet. The hardware is a plaque that is awesome.
I didn't PR, but I don't care. That wasn't the point. I won and that is all that I was going for.

Official Results:
1/145
19:15
And I beat that cocky girl, and
that's what feels best!

Splits:
6:15:43
6:15:28
6:08:47
:36

Go Girl Run! 5k tomorrow.

I don't know if I have ever been this nervous about a 5K!
Tomorrow morning at 8:00 am I am running in a 5K called the "Go Girl
Run!" 5K. It's all girls, and while I have run countless 5K's
in my 10 years of running, this one is going to be different.

Normally when one runs these competitive races, the entry fee
collected goes to different charities or organizations, or what have you.
So yeah, the one I'm doing in the morning? It's the 10th Annual
Go Girl Run! 5K, put on by one Uta Halee Girls Village.

So, for those of you who don't know, which may nearly be everyone,
Uta Halee is the part of the company that Phillip works for.

AAAAAAHHHH!

I am so super-nervous. He has already sent out a mass email to
everyone there saying that they should go and support the race,
and that I'm going to win it. I am pretty sure I will be able to
win it, based on my past performance with 5K's, and based on
the 2006 results for this same race. Last year the girl who won
was 30 years old, and her time was 19:31. The last 5K I ran,
back on June 9th, I won with a time of 19:06, and the last time
I checked I was only 29. Plus, of course my in-laws are going to
be there.

I know I can do it, but damn, my nerves are about to come undone!